Making friends as an adult is hard because we’re surrounded by fewer new people, have less free time, and are more risk-averse about rejection than when we were younger. But it’s far from impossible. The key is putting yourself in repeated, consistent environments with people who share your interests, being willing to initiate three times, and accepting that building adult friendships takes an average of 40-60 hours within the first six weeks.
The Loneliness Nobody Talks About
60% of Americans report feeling lonely. And yet, when it comes to making friends as adults, we’re all pretending it’s easy—or worse, that it shouldn’t be necessary because we should already have “our people.”
Here’s the truth: It’s not easy making new friends in adulthood. The social structures that made friendship inevitable when we were younger (school, college, early career bonding) have disappeared, and most of us are navigating work, relationships, possibly kids, aging parents, and our own identity shifts all at once.
If you’ve found yourself thinking “everyone else has their tribe but me,” you’re not alone—and it’s not because there’s something wrong with you.
Why It’s So Much Harder Now
We’re Not Surrounded by New People Anymore
As adults, we tend not to be surrounded by as many people, especially new people, as we age. In school, you were constantly meeting classmates, dorm neighbors, club members. In your early career, there were cohorts of new hires, happy hours, team projects.
Now? You work remotely or with the same small team. You go to the same grocery store. You see the same neighbors. The natural churn of new people in your life has slowed to a trickle.
We Have Way Less Time
It’s not that we don’t want friends—it’s that socializing has to compete with sleep, exercise, work deadlines, family obligations, and the basic need to just sit on the couch and stare at nothing for 20 minutes.
We’re More Afraid of Rejection
Angela Amias, a psychotherapist based in Wyoming, explains: “One reason why children have an easy time making friends is because they’re open and curious about others—they’re not worried about being hurt or rejected. As adults, we tend to be more risk-averse.”
Solara Calderon, a clinical psychologist, sees this constantly with her clients: “People often have worried thoughts such as, ‘they probably aren’t going to like me’ or ‘what if I say something stupid?'”
We’re Pickier (And That’s Not Bad)
In your 20s, you might have been friends with anyone who seemed fun at a party. Now? Adults are pickier about the people they let in to their lives, whereas when we’re younger, we’re more open.
We often filter people out by political views and social class without realizing it. We’re looking for people who match our values, our life stage, our communication style.
This is actually healthy—you’re not trying to collect friends, you’re trying to build meaningful relationships. But it does make the pool smaller.
The Good News About Adult Friendships
Here’s what nobody tells you: As adults, we have a much better idea of who we are and what our goals are in life. This can help us to make new friendships that have a solid foundation based on similar life views. And they are less likely to dissolve over time as we change and grow.
The friendships you make in your 30s and 40s can actually be more durable and meaningful than the ones you made in your 20s because they’re based on who you actually are, not who you’re trying to become.
Translation: It’s worth the effort.
The Math Behind Making Friends
Before we get to strategies, let’s talk about what to expect time-wise.
That’s not 40-60 hours of deep, meaningful conversation. That’s total time in proximity—coffee dates, workout classes together, group dinners, walking your dogs at the same time.
The lesson? Friendship building is a numbers game, and it requires consistency.
Where to Actually Meet People
Join Something with Built-In Consistency
This is the number one strategy. Trivia nights, bowling leagues, book clubs, fitness classes, or volunteer groups create consistency and familiarity. When people recognize you, they’ll be more likely to want to talk to you, because you seem familiar and safe to them.
Examples:
- Weekly yoga or fitness classes at the same studio
- Running clubs (many meet 2-3x per week)
- Book clubs (usually monthly)
- Volunteer organizations
- Adult sports leagues (kickball, volleyball, ultimate frisbee)
- Hobby groups (knitting circles, craft workshops, cooking classes)
Use Your Kids (If You Have Them)
The most obvious way to meet like-minded mom friends is through your kids’ school.
Try Friendship Apps
Yes, they exist, and no, they’re not weird.
Other options:
- Peanut: If you’re a woman navigating fertility, pregnancy or menopause, there’s the Peanut app. The Peanut app is a lifesaver in connecting new moms to other new moms who live nearby
- Hank: For adults 55+, the online platform Hank promises to expand your social circle with people in your area, with seven out of 10 members reporting feeling significantly less lonely after becoming a member
- Meetup: Find groups based on interests, from hiking to board games to language exchanges
- Yubo: Social discovery app
Lean Into Your Neighborhood
For most adults, proximity is key.
Making friends with neighbors is a win-win—you have a built-in bestie next door.
Networking Events Aren’t Just for Work
How to Actually Make It Happen (The Action Steps)
The Three-Invitation Rule
This is crucial. Experts encourage people to initiate three invitations with a potential new friend—maybe it’s lunch first, coffee second and a yoga class or a walk third.
Practice Self-Disclosure (But Not Too Much)
But there’s a catch: Don’t make it too personal, too soon. Avoid mud-slinging from your divorce and giving play-by-plays from the bedroom.
Say Yes to Invitations (Even When You’re Tired)
The lesson: People who extend invitations are already putting themselves out there. Meet them halfway.
Host Something Small
Host a ‘Bring-a-Friend’ BBQ. Each invitee brings a friend. It’s a low-pressure way to expand your circle through people you already know.
Be Flexible About Scheduling
Practice Small Talk
What Not to Do
Don’t Wait for the Other Person to Initiate
Don’t Dismiss Weak Ties
Don’t Filter Too Aggressively
Yes, values matter. But it’s useful to be attuned to what you want in a friend but beware of letting this turn into snobbish gatekeeping.
Different perspectives can enrich your life. Not every friend needs to be your carbon copy.
Don’t Give Up After One “No”
Remember the three-invitation rule. One declined invitation doesn’t mean rejection—it might mean they’re genuinely busy that particular day.
If You’re Really Struggling
Remember: The very first step is reminding yourself that all human beings are likable and lovable.
A Sample 90-Day Plan
Weeks 1-2: Research and join one recurring activity (fitness class, book club, volunteer opportunity). Commit to showing up consistently for at least 6 weeks.
Weeks 3-4: Start saying hello to the same people you see regularly. Ask their names. Make small talk.
Weeks 5-6: Identify 2-3 people you click with. Extend one invitation each (coffee, lunch, walk).
Weeks 7-12: Follow the three-invitation rule with anyone who responds positively. Add a second recurring activity to expand your options.
By Week 12, you should have at least a few budding friendships that can develop into something deeper.
The Bottom Line
Making friends as an adult is not like making friends in college. It requires more intention, more effort, and more vulnerability.
But it’s possible. There are lots of benefits to making new connections in your 30s and 40s, and contrary to popular belief, these are not the decades where friendship goes to die.
The friendships you build now—based on who you actually are, not who you’re trying to be—can be some of the most meaningful of your life.
You just have to show up.
Quick Action Checklist
- ✓ Join one recurring activity this week (commit to 6 weeks minimum)
- ✓ Download a friendship app (Bumble BFF, Peanut, or Meetup)
- ✓ Practice small talk with 3 strangers this week
- ✓ Say yes to the next social invitation you receive
- ✓ Identify one acquaintance to invite for coffee/walk/lunch
- ✓ Remember: 40-60 hours over 6 weeks = casual friend. Be patient.
Additional Resources
- Bumble BFF – Friendship-focused dating app
- Peanut – For women navigating motherhood and menopause
- Meetup – Find local groups based on interests
- The Girlfriend Social Club – Private Facebook group for 40+ women
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