You have a master’s degree, a six-figure income, and your own kids. But your mother still criticizes your parenting, questions your decisions, and makes you feel like you can’t do anything right. Here’s how to finally set boundaries—even when it feels impossible.
Why This Is So Hard (And Why You’re Not Overreacting)
Let’s start with something important: if you’re struggling to set boundaries with your parents, you’re not ungrateful, you’re not a bad daughter, and you’re not overreacting.
The parent-child relationship is the most primal bond we have. From birth, we’re wired to seek our parents’ approval and to believe they know best. Even when we intellectually know we’re adults with our own lives, that emotional wiring doesn’t just disappear.
Add to that years—decades—of conditioning. If your parent was critical, controlling, or emotionally enmeshed with you growing up, those patterns don’t magically resolve when you turn 18 or 25 or 40. In fact, they often get worse because now there’s a power struggle: you’re an adult trying to live your own life, and they’re a parent who can’t (or won’t) let go.
Here’s what makes this particularly difficult for women: we’re socialized to be caretakers, to be nice, to not make waves. Setting boundaries feels like being “mean” or “selfish”—especially when cultural or religious messaging tells us to “honor thy mother and father” without qualification.
But here’s the truth: honoring your parents doesn’t mean accepting their interference, criticism, or control. You can love your parents and still enforce boundaries. In fact, healthy boundaries often improve relationships rather than destroy them.
Signs You Need Better Boundaries
Not sure if your relationship with your parents is “normal” or if boundaries are necessary? Here are the signs:
They don’t respect your autonomy as an adult
- They give unsolicited advice about your career, marriage, finances, or parenting—and expect you to follow it
- They make decisions about your life without consulting you (showing up unannounced, making plans for you, buying things for your kids you explicitly said you didn’t want)
- They criticize your choices as if they’re objectively wrong rather than just different from what they would choose
- They say things like “I’m your mother, I can do what I want” or “You’ll always be my little girl”
They use guilt and manipulation
- “After everything I’ve done for you…”
- “If you loved me, you would…”
- “I guess I’m just a terrible mother”
- Bringing up past sacrifices when you disagree with them
- Threatening to withdraw love, money, or access to grandkids if you don’t comply
They criticize your identity, not just your actions
There’s a difference between “I don’t think that was the best decision” and “You’re too sensitive/too demanding/too whatever.” The first is about a choice; the second is an attack on who you are as a person.
You feel worse after interacting with them
- Dread phone calls or visits
- Feel anxious, angry, or depressed after seeing them
- Second-guess yourself constantly
- Feel like you’re never good enough
They violate your privacy or physical boundaries
- Go through your mail, your phone, your belongings
- Share your private information with others without permission
- Show up unannounced
- Insist on physical affection you don’t want to give
You’ve tried to address issues, and they refuse to acknowledge them
When you try to talk about how their behavior affects you, they deny it happened, tell you you’re too sensitive, or turn it around so you’re comforting them instead of addressing the issue.
If three or more of these resonate, you need boundaries. Not someday—now.
What Healthy Boundaries Actually Look Like
Before we talk about how to set boundaries, let’s clarify what they are. Boundaries aren’t about punishing your parents or cutting them off (though in extreme cases, that may be necessary). Boundaries are about defining what’s acceptable in your relationship so both of you can engage in a healthier way.
Examples of healthy boundaries with parents:
Communication:
- “I’m happy to talk once a week, but I can’t do daily phone calls.”
- “I prefer to communicate via text rather than having you call me at work.”
- “I won’t engage in conversations about [my marriage/my weight/my parenting]. That topic is off-limits.”
Visits and time:
- “Please call before coming over. Drop-ins don’t work for our family.”
- “We can visit for two hours, but then we need to leave.”
- “The holidays need to be split equally between both families.”
Parenting your children:
- “I appreciate your input, but this is how we’re choosing to handle discipline.”
- “Please don’t give the kids candy after I’ve said no.”
- “If you can’t respect our rules, we’ll need to limit your time with the kids.”
Financial:
- “I appreciate you wanting to help, but we’re handling our finances ourselves.”
- “If you give us money, it can’t come with strings attached or expectations about how we use it.”
- “I won’t be lending you money anymore.”
Personal choices:
- “I understand you disagree with my career choice, but it’s not up for debate.”
- “My personal life is private. I won’t be discussing my relationship with you.”
- “I’m not going to justify my decisions to you.”
How to Actually Set the Boundary (Step by Step)
Knowing you need boundaries and actually implementing them are two different things. Here’s how to do it:
Step 1: Get clear on your limits
Before you can communicate a boundary, you need to know what it is. What behaviors are you no longer willing to accept? What do you need to feel safe and respected? Write it down.
Example: “I will no longer tolerate criticism about my parenting. I will not engage in conversations where my mother compares me negatively to my sister. I need my parents to call before visiting.”
Step 2: Prepare for resistance
Your parents will likely not respond well the first time you set a boundary—especially if you’ve never done it before. They may:
- Get angry
- Cry or guilt trip you
- Tell you you’re being disrespectful
- Accuse you of not loving them
- Ignore the boundary and test whether you’ll enforce it
This is normal. It doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means they’re uncomfortable with the change.
Step 3: Communicate the boundary clearly and calmly
Don’t apologize. Don’t over-explain. Don’t ask for permission. State the boundary as a fact, not a negotiation.
Formula: “I need [boundary]. Going forward, I will [consequence if boundary is violated].”
Examples:
- “Mom, I need you to stop criticizing my parenting. If you continue, I’ll end the conversation and we’ll talk another time.”
- “I love you, but I need you to call before coming over. If you show up unannounced, I won’t answer the door.”
- “I won’t discuss my marriage with you anymore. If you bring it up, I’ll change the subject or end the call.”
Notice:
- No apologies (“I’m sorry, but…”)
- No over-explaining (“The reason I need this is because of A, B, C…”)
- No softening (“Would it be okay if…” “Do you think maybe…”)
You’re not asking. You’re informing.
Step 4: Enforce the boundary consistently
This is the hard part. If you say you’ll end the conversation if they criticize you, you have to actually do it—every single time.
“Mom, I told you I won’t discuss this. I’m hanging up now. We can try again later.”
Then hang up. Don’t let them talk you into staying on the line. Don’t respond to the angry texts that follow. Consistency is everything.
Step 5: Deal with your own guilt
You will feel guilty. That’s normal. Your parents raised you, sacrificed for you, and now you’re “being difficult.”
But here’s the reframe: you’re not being difficult. You’re being healthy. You’re modeling for your own children what it looks like to have self-respect. You’re teaching your parents how to treat you.
Guilt doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it means you’re doing something different. Give yourself permission to sit with the discomfort.
What to Do When They Push Back
They will push back. Here’s how to handle common responses:
“You’re being disrespectful / You’re a bad daughter”
Response: “I love you, and I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m setting a boundary that works for me. I hope you can respect that.”
“After everything I’ve done for you…”
Response: “I appreciate everything you’ve done. That doesn’t mean I have to accept behavior that doesn’t work for me.”
“I’m your mother/father. I can say whatever I want.”
Response: “I understand you feel that way. I’m still not willing to accept [behavior]. If it continues, I’ll [consequence].”
“You’re too sensitive.”
Response: “Maybe I am. Either way, this is what I need.”
“Fine, I just won’t talk to you at all.”
Response: “I hope that’s not the case. I’d love to have a relationship with you that feels good for both of us.”
Then let them sit with it. Don’t chase them. Don’t apologize. Let the boundary stand.
Special Scenarios
When you’re financially dependent on them
This is the hardest scenario. If your parents are paying your rent, your bills, or supporting you in some way, they have leverage—and they know it.
Options:
- Work toward financial independence as quickly as possible, even if it means lifestyle sacrifices
- Set smaller boundaries where you can (topics of conversation, frequency of contact)
- Accept that major boundaries may not be possible until you’re financially independent
This isn’t fair, but it’s reality. Financial dependence is control, whether it’s intended that way or not.
When they’re aging or in poor health
“But they’re old, they won’t be around forever, I should just tolerate it.”
No. Age doesn’t give people a free pass to mistreat you. You can be compassionate about their aging while still maintaining boundaries.
“Mom, I love you and I want to spend time with you. I’m still not willing to accept criticism about my career.”
When cultural or religious expectations are involved
If you come from a culture or religion that emphasizes parental authority and filial duty, setting boundaries can feel like betraying your heritage.
But consider: Does your cultural or religious tradition actually require you to accept mistreatment? Or does it emphasize respect—which goes both ways?
You can honor your culture while still protecting your well-being. They’re not mutually exclusive.
When you’re considering going no-contact
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, the relationship is so toxic that the healthiest choice is to step away entirely—at least for a period of time.
Going no-contact is not a failure. It’s a last resort when all other boundary attempts have been violated or when the relationship is causing you serious harm.
Before going no-contact, consider whether a period of low-contact might work: limited visits, superficial conversations only, boundaries around what you will and won’t discuss.
If you do go no-contact, get support. Therapy is crucial. So is having friends who understand and validate your decision.
The Role of Therapy
If you’re struggling with this, please consider therapy. Here’s why:
- You may not recognize how abnormal your family dynamics are because they’ve been your normal for decades
- You need support in dealing with the guilt and grief that comes with setting boundaries
- You may have “collapsed boundaries” from childhood—meaning you never learned to say no to others and yes to yourself
- A therapist can help you script difficult conversations and practice enforcing boundaries
Look for therapists who specialize in family systems, adult children of toxic parents, or boundary work. Women in their 30s and 40s are increasingly recognizing that they need to break generational patterns—therapy helps make that happen.
What You’re Really Afraid Of
Let’s be honest about what’s underneath the fear of setting boundaries:
You’re afraid they won’t love you anymore. You’re afraid they’ll cut you off. You’re afraid of being the “bad daughter.” You’re afraid that if you don’t maintain the relationship, you’ll regret it when they’re gone.
Here’s the truth: If your parent only “loves” you when you comply with their wishes, that’s not love—it’s control. Real love can handle boundaries.
And here’s the harder truth: Even with boundaries, you may still have a relationship with them. It just might look different than before—and that’s okay. Sometimes different is healthier.
You don’t owe your parents access to every part of your life just because they raised you. You don’t owe them compliance with their opinions just because they’re older. You don’t owe them your mental health.
Setting boundaries with your parents is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. It goes against every instinct you have. It will feel selfish and mean and wrong—especially the first ten times you do it.
But here’s what happens when you set and enforce boundaries:
- You stop dreading their phone calls
- You stop second-guessing every decision you make
- You model healthy relationships for your own children
- You reclaim your sense of self
- Sometimes—not always, but sometimes—your relationship with your parents actually improves because there’s finally honesty
You deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve to live your own life. You deserve relationships that don’t leave you feeling drained and inadequate.
Start small. Pick one boundary. State it clearly. Enforce it consistently.
You can do this. And you’re not a bad daughter for needing to.
Additional Resources
10 Boundaries You Need to Set With Your Toxic Parent
HuffPost: 5 Signs You’re Dealing With A Toxic Parent As An Adult
Terri Cole: How to Set Boundaries with Parents at Any Age
A Grown-Up’s Guide to Boundaries with Parents
BetterHelp: Survival Guide For Dealing With An Overbearing Mother
