You just walked out of an important meeting. Decisions were supposedly made, action items assigned, everyone nodded in agreement. But as you head back to your desk, you notice something: clusters of people gathering in doorways, voices lowering in conference rooms you pass, a sudden flurry of Slack messages in channels you’re not part of.
Welcome to the real meeting—the one that happens after the official meeting ends. And if you’re not in it, you’re already behind.
What Is the Meeting After the Meeting?
The meeting after the meeting is where the real consensus gets built, where objections that weren’t voiced publicly get aired, and where decisions that seemed final get quietly reshaped. It’s the informal gathering in someone’s office, the sidebar conversation in the hallway, the quick sync that somehow includes everyone except you.
This phenomenon isn’t new. Organizational psychologists have studied it for decades under names like shadow structures and informal networks. But for professional women—particularly women of color—these secondary meetings often become the place where our influence gets diluted and our contributions get reassigned.
Why the Real Meeting Happens Somewhere Else
These post-meeting gatherings exist for several reasons, some legitimate, others less so:
Political maneuvering. People who didn’t get their way in the official meeting regroup to build support for their position. They’re not accepting the decision—they’re strategizing how to undo it.
Psychological safety. Some team members don’t feel comfortable challenging ideas publicly, especially if there’s a power dynamic at play. They save their real thoughts for smaller, safer conversations.
Social bonding. Sometimes it’s less strategic and more social—people gravitate toward those they’re comfortable with to process what just happened. These aren’t always conspiratorial; they’re just natural.
Exclusion by design. And then there are the meetings after the meeting that are deliberately exclusive. These are the kitchen cabinets where a select few shape outcomes while others are kept at arm’s length.
The Real Cost for Professional Women
When you’re consistently left out of the meeting after the meeting, several things happen:
Your influence erodes. The decisions you thought were final get modified without your input. Your ideas get watered down or attributed to someone else who had the benefit of that extra context.
You’re blindsided. You show up to the next meeting thinking everyone’s on the same page, only to discover the page got rewritten without you. Now you’re responding instead of leading.
You lose social capital. These informal moments are where relationships deepen and trust builds. Missing them means missing out on the soft power that often matters more than formal authority.
You question yourself. When you sense these parallel conversations happening, it’s easy to wonder if you’re being paranoid. You’re not. Your instincts are picking up on real dynamics.
How to Recognize When It’s Happening
Pay attention to these patterns:
Decisions you thought were settled suddenly have new information attached to them. Issues you thought were resolved resurface with a different spin. Action items you were responsible for get reassigned without explanation.
You notice the same subset of people consistently lingering after meetings, or scheduling quick chats immediately following formal sessions. You see calendar invites for syncs that don’t include you, but clearly relate to the work you’re doing.
Your colleagues reference conversations and decisions you weren’t part of. They say things like Well, we discussed this already or I thought everyone knew when you clearly didn’t.
Strategies for Getting Into the Room
If you find yourself on the outside of these secondary meetings, here’s how to shift that dynamic:
1. Document and Follow Up Immediately
After important meetings, send a summary email with clear action items, owners, and deadlines. This creates a paper trail that makes it harder for decisions to shift without acknowledgment. CC the necessary stakeholders. Make it clear what was decided.
2. Create Your Own Post-Meeting Moments
Don’t wait to be included. Initiate your own follow-up conversations with key stakeholders. Schedule 15-minute check-ins to align on next steps or clarify a few points. These become your entry point into the informal network.
3. Build Relationships Before You Need Them
The meeting after the meeting often happens among people who already have rapport. Invest in building those relationships proactively. Coffee chats, lunch invites, genuine interest in your colleagues’ work—these aren’t superficial. They’re infrastructure.
4. Address It Directly When Necessary
If you’re consistently being left out of critical conversations, it’s worth addressing directly. This doesn’t have to be confrontational. Try: I’ve noticed there have been some follow-up discussions about this project that I haven’t been part of. I want to make sure I’m aligned and contributing effectively. How can I stay in the loop?
5. Pay Attention to Who Holds the Power
In every organization, there are people whose opinion carries outsized weight. These aren’t always the people with the fanciest titles. Figure out who those people are and build relationships with them. Their inclusion of you in informal conversations can change your entire trajectory.
6. Know When to Walk Away
Sometimes, the meeting after the meeting is a symptom of a toxic or exclusionary culture that won’t change no matter what you do. If you’ve tried to break in and you’re still being systematically excluded, it might be time to consider whether this environment is worth your energy.
If You’re in Leadership, Shut It Down
If you’re a manager or leader, you have a responsibility to prevent these shadow structures from undermining your team’s effectiveness and equity.
Make decisions transparent. If additional context or input is needed after a meeting, bring everyone back together. Don’t let critical decisions get made in fragmented conversations.
Call out backchanneling. If you notice people trying to relitigate decisions offline, address it. I appreciate you sharing this perspective, but this needs to be discussed with the full team.
Model inclusive behavior. If you’re going to have follow-up conversations, be deliberate about who’s included. Ask yourself: Who needs to be part of this discussion? Am I inadvertently creating an insider/outsider dynamic?
Create psychological safety. People hold back in meetings when they don’t feel safe speaking up. Work on building a culture where dissent is welcomed in real time, so people don’t have to wait for the hallway.
What You Can Control
The meeting after the meeting isn’t going away. It’s wired into how humans organize and make decisions. But that doesn’t mean you have to accept being on the outside.
The real power isn’t in the conference room. It’s in knowing where the actual decisions get made and making sure you’re part of those conversations. Pay attention. Build relationships. Document decisions. And when necessary, create your own meeting after the meeting.
Because if you’re not in the room where it happens, you’re just performing in a show where someone else is directing.
Looking for more strategies to navigate workplace politics and advance your career? Explore our guides on leadership, professional development, and career strategy at WMN Magazine.
